Tuesday, November 29, 2011

ideas inspired by pulled groin


'well, the good news is, i broke the record by thirteen and a half minutes. the bad news is you're going to need to ice down my groin for the remainder of the evening.'

'ladies, fortune smiles upon all of you. our long national nightmare is over: i'm finally getting over this pulled groin."


'goddfried, what do you think is the record for most groinpulls on the planet at the same second?'

'come, there is a place i should probably show you.'

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

are we not men? sir lance begged of his brethren.
a deep silence followed.

are we not hungry?
the crowd erupted.

well, that's progress i suppose.
the crowd dispersed.

reptilian hotplate

the archduke of our archipelago presently asked for a map of his own toilet, but seeing as its opulent construction had daunted even the very engineers who built it -- they had soiled themselves in the process -- the archduke was likely to be yet more confused upon the map’s receipt.

he had only wanted to secure knowledge of the whereabouts of his royal mother; she was either in the aquarium or perhaps upon the hotplate usually reserved for the magnificent reptiles (hailing originally from larger philadelphia), who had just traveled south for a lengthy capetown sojourn. both the aquarium and hotplate were housed within the lavatory, but for the life of him he could not remember where. if his mother had not been so deftly camouflaged -- in her hot reactionary youth, she had been trained at the school of americas -- surely the archduke would have seen her cooing with a noted tuscan bureaucrat behind the triassic ferns.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

discarded couplet #377

the rhine is the river that never forgets/my pappy loved the yankees now my nephew likes the mets

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

the old bitch is hungry again

tender like chinese pea shoots
her bosom as indifferent to its newest suitors
as they are to her

the progeny ignore her hungered whimpers
as they stave off their own
draining their mother

if they only knew how they furnished their own odd exile
perhaps the full irony would strike them
and conscience curse their mindless feast

but, there is no time to wait for that
the old bitch is hungry again

Friday, October 14, 2011

amazing grace

you pointed me out
and prompted me through
to you

someone was humming
amazing grace
and then another tune
i couldn't place

but all i need to know is what we're doing here
sailors selling scrapbooks
by the fire

all i need to know is what we're doing here
and some way that you look
i know it's dire

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

small price to pay for a bowl of fried zucchini

small price to pay for a bowl of fried zucchini
-- was an odd thing for him to say, given none was around
perhaps it's an old saying, the optimist intoned
not by a longshot, called the referee

is there any way we can take everything in here, mince it together and mold it into a fancy log? asked the shitfaced frenchman

elder's daughter

elder's daughter meets us at the stream of her mad biology
sequined hindstones mark her passage into relevance
     it is known even to the thundering apes, repelling from tall trees, bento boxes in hand
as they are not finished with them yet

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

a prenap
you won't kill me as i doze?
we are a heady pair

Friday, July 1, 2011

analogy of the day

maiden : voyage ::
(A) female : trippin'
(B) christopher columbus : voyeur
(C) first : lady
(D) prima : facie
(E) 'made in japan' : nuclear holocaust

Thursday, June 30, 2011

that large loom loomed large in the spinster's stories. every day she'd string together yarn after yarn for the spindly women the next porch over, who were too fragile to escape her boasts of indigo cardigans crocheted for crotchety long-dead heads of state  -- truly an unspooling of material far beyond any of their threadbare memories. these women may once have been cut from the same cloth, but their patchy relationship would soon unravel like a performance of 'bolero' by wounded hemophiliacs. 

Monday, June 27, 2011

analogy of the day

sardine : sardinia ::
(A) tangerine : tangiers
(B) pencil : pensacola
(C) george bush : skull and bones
(D) skull and bones : pirate ship
(E) pirate ship : european mercantilism

bodega bay

she yanked back her purse from him after he had stooped to retrieve it from the floor of the baskin robbins. she had thrown it toward his shins seconds earlier; nickels and dimes were still rolling around the linoleum.

'what about bodega bay?'
'you've got to be fucking kidding.'

with that she left. he picked up all the change and bought two scoops of brightsicklygreen pistachio mint. he found her debit card under a stool and handed it to a chinese boy, who started shrieking, reminding him of her.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

analogy of the day

high-flown : submarine ::
(A) over-the-top : low blow 
(B) sublime : low-slung halter top
(C) godly : pterodactyl
(D) peat-mossy: scottish drunk
(E) Louis XVI : croque-monsieur

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

analogy of the day

sirhan sirhan : duran duran ::
(A) RFK : REM 
(B) salisbury steak : pillsbury dough boy
(C) jim jones : tom jones
(D) solo handjob : han solo, et al.
(E) fission : fusion

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

analogy of the day

president obama : frederick douglass ::
(A) jack abramoff : siddhartha
(B) hillary rodham clinton : henry david thoreau
(C) barry bonds : willie mays
(D) norah jones : laura nyro
(E) navy seals : osama bin laden

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

analogy of the day

hot : gooey ::
(A) dinosaur : capitalism
(B) thomas edison : the united nations
(C) balls : sticks
(D) independence : national holiday
(E) parishioner : paris fashions

Friday, May 13, 2011

conversation between failed aging diplomats

'certainly you were rebuffed, and in the nude. but do not hurdle to sweaty conclusions. she may not have understood the full breadth of your work, or the years of hard-won skill that would absolve any admittedly irreconcilable physical limitations. perhaps you moved more quickly than for which your halting methodical reputation allowed. perception, despite our long efforts to account for and coolly undermine it, is the trickiest illusion to undress.'

'yes, but... to abrogate... at that stage in the.... '

'yes -- we know. but obviously something occurred, following her inalienable display of desire as you hotly recant it, that wore short the goodwill your fast formulations produced; her long pants remained good and fastened! that fact, like any other, cannot just be pushed over and played with. she could not be persuaded towards what to you -- and to all of us! -- seemed the only rational outcome.'

'i forgot to turn the lights off.'

'that was probably it.'

Thursday, March 10, 2011

jottings from my new foreskine notebook

a company mint is accompaniment to the think tank man on the spit shine dime of the bailed out line of some deadweight freight. the new scam is old hat but the old boots are worn true.

where is that hat i'm going out darling
                     here i am again              sharp as ever, popped up at the river of the mouth in the gagging beachhead, caked to kill in krill powder but creased cold by centuries of centurion signatories.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

honest musings of a fellow who can't quite connect thought with emotion

every tuesday night i'm consumed by the notion to put the trash out on the curb. and then, almost like clockwork, i lose the urge completely for about a week.

every time i open a book -- to page one -- and read each page consecutively until there are no more, i'm met by an implacable sense of accomplishment.

whenever i raise a set of children with a willing spouse, i'm railroaded by a feeling of impenetrable disgust when they are rejected from the ivy league university of their choice.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

a selection of quotations

a selection of quotations, (organically) following a pursed perusal of the at-large and assorted western conversational canon:

'the brontosaurus is finished' -- robert oppenheimer, 1942

'your hindquarters, i now reveal to you, hold but a trifling place in this matrimony' -- oscar wilde, 1884

'you can tell these blue corn tortilla chips came out of a bag off a sysco truck. but they're still pretty ok.' -- gabriel garcia marquez, 1995 (translated from the spanish)

'is this still the war of 1812?' -- private archibald clay, 1813