tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-81447733785177565482024-03-05T23:52:31.602-08:00SNEALjack waterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01867743307504393105noreply@blogger.comBlogger31125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8144773378517756548.post-65892761475893753982011-11-29T16:05:00.000-08:002011-11-29T16:05:36.238-08:00ideas inspired by pulled groin#1:<br />
<br />
'well, the good news is, i broke the record by thirteen and a half minutes. the bad news is you're going to need to ice down my groin for the remainder of the evening.'<br />
<br />
#2<br />
'ladies, fortune smiles upon all of you. our long national nightmare is over: i'm finally getting over this pulled groin."<br />
<br />
#3<br />
<br />
'goddfried, what do you think is the record for most groinpulls on the planet at the same second?'<br />
<br />
'come, there is a place i should probably show you.'jack waterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01867743307504393105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8144773378517756548.post-76973901920022338902011-11-22T11:44:00.000-08:002011-11-22T11:46:43.585-08:00are we not men? sir lance begged of his brethren.<br />
a deep silence followed.<br />
<br />
are we not hungry?<br />
the crowd erupted. <br />
<br />
well, that's progress i suppose.<br />
the crowd dispersed.jack waterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01867743307504393105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8144773378517756548.post-63343862812632346332011-11-22T11:32:00.000-08:002011-11-25T14:55:54.814-08:00reptilian hotplatethe archduke of our archipelago presently asked for a map of his own toilet, but seeing as its opulent construction had daunted even the very engineers who built it -- they had soiled themselves in the process -- the archduke was likely to be yet more confused upon the map’s receipt. <br />
<br />
he had only wanted to secure knowledge of the whereabouts of his royal mother; she was either in the aquarium or perhaps upon the hotplate usually reserved for the magnificent reptiles (hailing originally from larger philadelphia), who had just traveled south for a lengthy capetown sojourn. both the aquarium and hotplate were housed within the lavatory, but for the life of him he could not remember where. if his mother had not been so deftly camouflaged -- in her hot reactionary youth, she had been trained at the school of americas -- surely the archduke would have seen her cooing with a noted tuscan bureaucrat behind the triassic ferns.jack waterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01867743307504393105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8144773378517756548.post-7671095597564586032011-11-15T13:01:00.000-08:002011-11-22T11:03:09.576-08:00discarded couplet #377the rhine is the river that never forgets/my pappy loved the yankees now my nephew likes the metsjack waterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01867743307504393105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8144773378517756548.post-54505339355650553242011-10-25T23:15:00.000-07:002011-10-25T23:15:12.072-07:00the old bitch is hungry againtender like chinese pea shoots<br />
her bosom as indifferent to its newest suitors<br />
as they are to her <br />
<br />
the progeny ignore her hungered whimpers<br />
as they stave off their own<br />
draining their mother<br />
<br />
if they only knew how they furnished their own odd exile<br />
perhaps the full irony would strike them<br />
and conscience curse their mindless feast<br />
<br />
but, there is no time to wait for that<br />
the old bitch is hungry againjack waterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01867743307504393105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8144773378517756548.post-65140551149301504952011-10-14T12:24:00.000-07:002011-10-14T12:41:54.413-07:00amazing grace<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">you pointed me out<br />
and prompted me through<br />
to you<br />
<br />
someone was humming<br />
amazing grace<br />
and then another tune<br />
i couldn't place<br />
<br />
but all i need to know is what we're doing here<br />
sailors selling scrapbooks<br />
by the fire<br />
<br />
all i need to know is what we're doing here<br />
and some way that you look<br />
i know it's dire</div>jack waterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01867743307504393105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8144773378517756548.post-31401463428056177992011-09-28T10:38:00.000-07:002011-09-29T17:24:47.336-07:00small price to pay for a bowl of fried zucchini<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">small price to pay for a bowl of fried zucchini<br />
<div>-- was an odd thing for him to say, given none was around</div><div>perhaps it's an old saying, the optimist intoned</div><div>not by a longshot, called the referee</div><div><br />
</div><div>is there any way we can take everything in here, mince it together and mold it into a fancy log? asked the shitfaced frenchman</div></div>jack waterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01867743307504393105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8144773378517756548.post-61526386855432500592011-09-28T10:08:00.000-07:002011-09-28T10:55:44.451-07:00elder's daughter<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">elder's daughter meets us at the stream of her mad biology<br />
sequined hindstones mark her passage into relevance<br />
it is known even to the thundering apes, repelling from tall trees, bento boxes in hand<br />
as they are not finished with them yet<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
</div>jack waterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01867743307504393105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8144773378517756548.post-62148629138730374422011-09-27T15:04:00.000-07:002011-09-28T09:43:41.678-07:00<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">a prenap<br />
you won't kill me as i doze?<br />
we are a heady pair</div>jack waterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01867743307504393105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8144773378517756548.post-59412820721931955702011-07-01T10:54:00.000-07:002011-07-01T10:54:32.458-07:00analogy of the day<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">maiden : voyage ::<br />
(A) female : trippin'<br />
(B) christopher columbus : voyeur<br />
(C) first : lady<br />
(D) prima : facie<br />
(E) 'made in japan' : nuclear holocaust</div>jack waterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01867743307504393105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8144773378517756548.post-21945969716267158452011-06-30T13:58:00.000-07:002011-06-30T23:44:01.145-07:00<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">that large loom loomed large in the spinster's stories. every day she'd string together yarn after yarn for the spindly women the next porch over, who were too fragile to escape her boasts of indigo cardigans crocheted for crotchety long-dead heads of state -- truly an unspooling of material far beyond any of their threadbare memories. these women may once have been cut from the same cloth, but their patchy relationship would soon unravel like a performance of 'bolero' by wounded hemophiliacs. </div>jack waterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01867743307504393105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8144773378517756548.post-40649507936926769882011-06-27T11:02:00.000-07:002011-06-27T11:04:01.822-07:00analogy of the day<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">sardine : sardinia ::<br />
(A) tangerine : tangiers<br />
(B) pencil : pensacola<br />
(C) george bush : skull and bones<br />
(D) skull and bones : pirate ship<br />
(E) pirate ship : european mercantilism<br />
<br />
</div>jack waterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01867743307504393105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8144773378517756548.post-57217979508400633442011-06-27T10:28:00.000-07:002011-06-27T10:44:45.651-07:00bodega bay<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><div style="text-align: left;">she yanked back her purse from him after he had stooped to retrieve it from the floor of the baskin robbins. she had thrown it toward his shins seconds earlier; nickels and dimes were still rolling around the linoleum. </div><br />
'what about bodega bay?'<br />
'you've got to be fucking kidding.'<br />
<br />
with that she left. he picked up all the change and bought two scoops of brightsicklygreen pistachio mint. he found her debit card under a stool and handed it to a chinese boy, who started shrieking, reminding him of her.</div>jack waterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01867743307504393105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8144773378517756548.post-88599462108176406582011-06-22T14:02:00.000-07:002011-06-22T14:02:31.639-07:00analogy of the day<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><div>high-flown : submarine ::</div><div>(A) over-the-top : low blow </div><div>(B) sublime : low-slung halter top</div><div>(C) godly : pterodactyl</div><div>(D) peat-mossy: scottish drunk</div><div>(E) Louis XVI : croque-monsieur</div></div>jack waterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01867743307504393105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8144773378517756548.post-36253765429992979182011-06-21T10:17:00.000-07:002011-06-24T10:20:13.189-07:00analogy of the day<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">sirhan sirhan : duran duran ::<br />
<div>(A) RFK : REM </div><div>(B) salisbury steak : pillsbury dough boy<br />
(C) jim jones : tom jones<br />
(D) solo handjob : han solo, et al.<br />
(E) fission : fusion</div></div>jack waterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01867743307504393105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8144773378517756548.post-64874380237858446842011-06-15T10:39:00.000-07:002011-06-24T10:20:30.133-07:00analogy of the day<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">president obama : frederick douglass ::<br />
<div>(A) jack abramoff : siddhartha</div><div>(B) hillary rodham clinton : henry david thoreau</div><div>(C) barry bonds : willie mays</div><div>(D) norah jones : laura nyro</div><div>(E) navy seals : osama bin laden</div><div><br />
</div><div><br />
</div></div>jack waterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01867743307504393105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8144773378517756548.post-78774828146073044282011-06-14T15:28:00.000-07:002011-06-14T15:28:09.538-07:00analogy of the day<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">hot : gooey ::<br />
(A) dinosaur : capitalism<br />
(B) thomas edison : the united nations<br />
(C) balls : sticks<br />
(D) independence : national holiday<br />
(E) parishioner : paris fashions<br />
<br />
</div>jack waterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01867743307504393105noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8144773378517756548.post-81347291476990559642011-05-13T19:18:00.000-07:002011-09-27T15:08:36.607-07:00conversation between failed aging diplomats<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">'certainly you were rebuffed, and in the nude. but do not hurdle to sweaty conclusions. she may not have understood the full breadth of your work, or the years of hard-won skill that would absolve any admittedly irreconcilable physical limitations. perhaps you moved more quickly than for which your halting methodical reputation allowed. perception, despite our long efforts to account for and coolly undermine it, is the trickiest illusion to undress.'<br />
<br />
'yes, but... to abrogate... at that stage in the.... '<br />
<br />
'yes -- we know. but obviously something occurred, following her inalienable display of desire as you hotly recant it, that wore short the goodwill your fast formulations produced; her long pants remained good and fastened! that fact, like any other, cannot just be pushed over and played with. she could not be persuaded towards what to you -- and to all of us! -- seemed the only rational outcome.'<br />
<br />
'i forgot to turn the lights off.'<br />
<br />
'that was probably it.'</div>jack waterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01867743307504393105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8144773378517756548.post-14317399287920669712011-05-09T11:12:00.001-07:002011-05-09T11:12:54.364-07:00this could be the last time<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHQXTYDxZ-R4zX_Bj59Oq6m8I6aQhVVJB9e4XMmC47aJ72p_DBVreB2m1UY8JFhC824PZ_qCAyEQVE73oR6s6YgErSyO6WNv1fCMguaBmtfTNP5Q3c0viPElSsvYwHPVKmifJ4casCujv5/s1600/give+the+machine.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHQXTYDxZ-R4zX_Bj59Oq6m8I6aQhVVJB9e4XMmC47aJ72p_DBVreB2m1UY8JFhC824PZ_qCAyEQVE73oR6s6YgErSyO6WNv1fCMguaBmtfTNP5Q3c0viPElSsvYwHPVKmifJ4casCujv5/s1600/give+the+machine.bmp" /></a></div><br />
</div>jack waterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01867743307504393105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8144773378517756548.post-61236381991234603532011-05-06T12:17:00.000-07:002011-05-06T12:17:11.422-07:00updated what do you think<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiPZ0gKNE8Zt50WPvcHqaohDuipZYNL5m9BN9yNF_k9RqKLo9fy9xb4lZhvtE70iIFUpVgbVeguRPCQOyI3kd-dhonabRXK5p6hPk-V6OIdvODZqRkYL0U666oxG3r0SCIoNh0JyXfHgb0/s1600/give+the+machine.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiPZ0gKNE8Zt50WPvcHqaohDuipZYNL5m9BN9yNF_k9RqKLo9fy9xb4lZhvtE70iIFUpVgbVeguRPCQOyI3kd-dhonabRXK5p6hPk-V6OIdvODZqRkYL0U666oxG3r0SCIoNh0JyXfHgb0/s1600/give+the+machine.bmp" /></a></div><br />
</div>jack waterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01867743307504393105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8144773378517756548.post-19479359281139299572011-05-04T10:21:00.000-07:002011-05-04T10:21:59.630-07:00<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgk8tdSVj8WEKkY52KfYLz-gqgmODNGFlz_SfndW0X4qUC65Xx7DRUWINVRCmEKUypHJFWu2zfD0QwsxMUw0ZrEJVeQHOXMuR0O5Itd319SP7EOf-GXPArZC7wlyPxXZfBPvQm72OY10lZv/s1600/give+the+machine.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgk8tdSVj8WEKkY52KfYLz-gqgmODNGFlz_SfndW0X4qUC65Xx7DRUWINVRCmEKUypHJFWu2zfD0QwsxMUw0ZrEJVeQHOXMuR0O5Itd319SP7EOf-GXPArZC7wlyPxXZfBPvQm72OY10lZv/s1600/give+the+machine.bmp" /></a></div><br />
</div>jack waterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01867743307504393105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8144773378517756548.post-42062791823228192022011-03-10T14:30:00.000-08:002011-03-10T14:30:26.765-08:00jottings from my new foreskine notebook<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">a company mint is accompaniment to the think tank man on the spit shine dime of the bailed out line of some deadweight freight. the new scam is old hat but the old boots are worn true.<div><br />
</div><div>where is that hat i'm going out darling</div><div> here i am again sharp as ever, popped up at the river of the mouth in the gagging beachhead, caked to kill in krill powder but creased cold by centuries of centurion signatories.</div></div>jack waterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01867743307504393105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8144773378517756548.post-18626947150108466112011-01-09T17:43:00.000-08:002011-01-13T11:56:37.882-08:00honest musings of a fellow who can't quite connect thought with emotionevery tuesday night i'm consumed by the notion to put the trash out on the curb. and then, almost like clockwork, i lose the urge completely for about a week.<br />
<br />
every time i open a book -- to page one -- and read each page consecutively until there are no more, i'm met by an implacable sense of accomplishment.<br />
<br />
whenever i raise a set of children with a willing spouse, i'm railroaded by a feeling of impenetrable disgust when they are rejected from the ivy league university of their choice.jack waterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01867743307504393105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8144773378517756548.post-37309448486808229002011-01-08T15:59:00.000-08:002011-01-09T17:58:15.451-08:00a selection of quotationsa selection of quotations, (organically) following a pursed perusal of the at-large and assorted western conversational canon:<br />
<br />
'the brontosaurus is finished' -- robert oppenheimer, 1942<br />
<br />
'your hindquarters, i now reveal to you, hold but a trifling place in this matrimony' -- oscar wilde, 1884<br />
<br />
'you can tell these blue corn tortilla chips came out of a bag off a sysco truck. but they're still pretty ok.' -- gabriel garcia marquez, 1995 (translated from the spanish)<br />
<br />
'is this still the war of 1812?' -- private archibald clay, 1813jack waterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01867743307504393105noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8144773378517756548.post-63459766954167749302011-01-08T15:39:00.000-08:002011-01-08T15:39:23.455-08:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqXsLyc93peQHguDTCZQ1AC_zpCq1tCPtsqCZH1ylXcMqz4hir_02rJOoUAHndeItX8kYfJ1kc0hZbkmu_YXkEGI_fb-PzEkjrCJA6TNBJEhiNz5EkvctBOmwt08j5Evx9HGHUQHvlaD7m/s1600/drawing.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqXsLyc93peQHguDTCZQ1AC_zpCq1tCPtsqCZH1ylXcMqz4hir_02rJOoUAHndeItX8kYfJ1kc0hZbkmu_YXkEGI_fb-PzEkjrCJA6TNBJEhiNz5EkvctBOmwt08j5Evx9HGHUQHvlaD7m/s1600/drawing.bmp" /></a></div>jack waterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01867743307504393105noreply@blogger.com0